i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
