just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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