don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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