I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
