this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you had me at cake vodka
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
