Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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