How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You ruined the universe
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
