Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
