I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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