My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize