yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
