'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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