I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
