She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
