i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
