At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
