im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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