i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
