I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
