I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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