Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
