Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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