I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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