that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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