I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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