Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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