Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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