I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
