3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
