Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Never joke about your clitoris.
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