Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
