I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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