This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
