I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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