we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
