i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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