Your mouth is God's brothel.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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