What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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