We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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