Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
