i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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