i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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