i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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