We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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