Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
