i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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