i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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