is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
