there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
