ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
