I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
