She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
