Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
