I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
