Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
